I said I wanted to have a convo about how childhood trauma affects the adult. I think it’s an important convo to have – here’s a lil bit of my story.
30 seemed far away for the 9 year old who was diagnosed with PTSD by a therapist, with no follow up plans. I thought the diagnosis was bullshit. It wasn’t.
30 seemed far away for the child who for about 7 years from 7-14 was made to believe that she wasn’t worthy of love from one side. 14 was peak numbness. I stopped tryna figure out wtf was wrong and just felt nothing or so I thought. But regardless of what was coming from one side, I will always say I had a dope childhood. I had fun, I was cared for, and loved by some folks.
30 seemed so far away from the 15 year old going through her first heartbreak just sad af in classes. I called that my midlife crisis, LOL I realize how dramatic that is now but hey it wasn’t so dramatic when I was going through it.
30 seemed so far away from the 18 year old in college who realized she had abandonment issues and that’s why she held on a little too tight. For her it seemed like everyone she loved that wasn’t tied to her from childhood would go away, with some it didn’t matter with some it mattered way more than she’d be willing to admit.
30 seemed so far away from the 21 year old college graduate who couldn’t get a job in her field and had to get completely back to basics. From the girl who felt like she lost everything and had to fight like hell to figure out the root of all of this – the abandonment issues, the not believing people could actually love her, all of it.
30 didn’t seem far from the 25 year old who came through with a fresh outlook on life. From 21-24 there was a lot of isolation, breaking down to build back up. Getting back to basics but also redefining what the hell basic even was. She built a brand new foundation.
I did all that breaking down and finding the root cause – my childhood trauma – and then rebuilding myself with a new framework to understand, know, and actually believe this time around that I was worthy of all the love cause that’s what I put out… That I deserved the good people in/who should come into my life and all I had to do was be myself and they’d either rock with it or not – but both was okay. That I could let go cause what was for me will be for me and what isn’t will leave regardless of how hard I try to hold on to it out of fear. That there’s no reason to fear but if I am scared I gotta move anyway. That what happened to me as a child wasn’t even about me but it was just hurt/broken people meeting me where they were. Understanding that I had to forgive them so I could move on. Trust issues had me do all of that alone and I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it – ask for help, get a therapist, proceed with this healing with healthy coping mechanisms. It may be a dark, intense ride. It may be isolating and feel lonely but it’s work you owe to yourself. Because you are worthy of love and you are worthy of a good, happy life (pending you ain’t a damn menace).
30 isn’t far at all for the 29 year old, less than a week away who lives in peace and thrives in it. I look back at how chaotic my life was, at the random time I would feel overwhelmed and just cry and I’m just so glad I did the work and came out better. It took most of my 20s LOL but it was worth it. I’m excited for the new decade.